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Beseiged by negative publicity in the wake of Monday night's three-hour tribute to Chris Benoit, who strangled his wife and suffocated his 7-year-old son before hanging himself, World Wrestling Entertainment has hired former White House spokesman Scott McClellan to perform damage control. "Vince McMahon was just making the best decision he could based on the information that was available at the time," said McClellan. "He certainly didn't lie or intentionally mislead anyone."He presented his case at ... oh, what's the word for a formal meeting or assembly of representatives ... ah yes, a congress of wrestlers and officials, and they thought the exact same thing he did about the tribute: Bring it on."The hiring of McClellan, the least physically fit WWE employee since Yokozuna, came as a surprise to many. However, McClellan's very, very, VERY close working relationship with Jeff Gannon, the male whore/designated softball lobber in the White House press corps, demonstrates both his ability and indeed his intense passion for working with oiled-up men in tights.Meanwhile, McMahon remained defiant amid charges that he shamelessly exploited the death and suffering of innocent people for personal gain. In fact, he not only refused to apologize but also announced an upcoming surge of further Benoit tributes."This policy simply needs more time to work," said the WWE Chairman, who intends to change his character's name from "Mr. McMahon" to "The Decider."
The Rev. (sic) Jerry Falwell has died -- perhaps the first thing he's ever done that indicates the existence of a truly benevolent God.
Surprisingly, the corpulent televangelist's long-overdue death at 73 was not the work of "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, (and the) People For the American Way," each of whom he blamed for the Sept. 11 attacks.
(Subsequent reports have indicated that the attacks were planned by Osama bin Laden, although the Bush administration's adamant refusal to capture or kill the Al Qaeda leader over the past five and a half years lends credence to Falwell's belief that someone else -- possibly a feminazi, a homo, a lesbo or some Phish-loving, tree-hugging, patchouli-scented, bleeding heart hippie -- may in fact have been responsible.)
Satan immediately expressed his sadness over the death of Falwell, whom who credited as one of his most effective agents. "Falwell's bit about how 'AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals' was nothing short of magnificent," said the Devil. "In a matter of seconds, he motivated thousands upon thousands of people to reject Christianity -- and he made it look so easy."You know, I was sitting around just last week with Ronald Reagan and Lee Atwater, and Ronnie was referring to Jerry as 'The Franchise,' which is so true. I can't tell you how important he was to Team Satan. He's a first-ballot Hell Hall of Famer, no question."However, Lucifer reiterated his dismay over the televangelist's 1999 statement that the Antichrist is walking among us as a Jewish man.
"Complete bullshit," said the Prince of Darkness. "Dick Cheney is not a Jew."
Tinky Winky of Teletubbies fame also shared his condolences through his spokesman.
"Although the Rev. Falwell's slanderous allegations regarding my lifestyle were hurtful, I harbor no ill will toward him and am greatly saddened by his passing," said the children's television star. "I think we should all take this time for solemn reflection, which in my case means a marathon session of anal sex while singing show tunes in a San Francisco bath house. I hope to return to my work of corrupting America's youth in the near future, but it's just too soon to think about that right now."
Tim Duncan
c/o San Antonio Spurs
One AT&T Center
San Antonio, TX
78219 4/20/07 Mr. Duncan, Please accept my sincerest apologies for the regrettable incident of April 15 in which I ejected you from the Spurs' game against Dallas. Specifically, I'm sorry that I didn't hasten your departure by sticking my entire foot in your ass. Further, I'm immensely sorry that you managed to slip past me on your way out of the arena. I was waiting in the parking lot, punk. You got lucky this time, but rest assured, someday I will kick you in your labia, then pummel that blank stare off your face -- you know it, I know it, and all the fans who pay to see me do my thing night after night after night know it. Go cry to David Stern all you want. The fact is, I've been in this league damn near three decades. I was blowing the whistle when your mother was blowing half of the guys in the Caribbean, and I ain't going anywhere. It may interest you to know that before becoming an NBA legend, I worked for the U.S. Postal Service from 1972-75. Oh how I would love to stamp your ass "FRAGILE" and express mail you back to the Virgin Islands ... heh, "Virgin" Islands. How perfect is that? Were they named after you? I guess not, or else they'd be the Giggling Bitch On the Bench Islands.In closing, I'd like to invite you to my home in Newton Square, Pa., to discuss this matter further. It's easy to find; just follow the trail of blood and tears. Regards, Joey Crawford
There was a time when getting the "scoop" was paramount.
Sometimes you got it right, and you revealed that Nixon was scrawling a stinky Dirty Sanchez onto the Constitution.
Occasionally you got it wrong, and Dewey did not, as it turns out, beat Truman.
(Hey, it was a 50-50 shot, and they were on deadline.)
Either way, the "scoop" was the proverbial feather in the cap that ... oh, fuck it. Print journalists have always made dick wages, and trade-off is that you get the ego boost of seeing your name in print, and an exponentially larger boost if your name was attached to a scoop, which only really mattered because publishers wanted to sell more papers.Which brings us to the fact that we're now living in 2007, and the news is pretty much free.
Now we don't have to wait for the next press run.
Now The Internets and The Google exist, and newsboys are no longer on every street corner imploring us to read all about it.
All you have to do is hit F5 and refresh your screen. And if you've hit F5 anytime since the summer of 2005, you've known that Greg Oden would spend exactly one season of indentured servitude in college before exiting stage right and becoming the No. 1 pick in the NBA draft.
So what do we have tonight? Breathless scoops!
The very same breathless scoops -- that Oden, Mike Conley and Daequan Cook are turning pro.
Jeff Goodman is claiming he broke the story at FoxSports.com. "Gary Parrish Reports: Oden, Conley Jr., Cook headed to draft" is splashed across the front of Sportsline. Andy Katz says "a source close to the situation told ESPN.com" the news.
Look, obviously brand-new agent Mike Conley Sr. whipped out the ol' Rolodex and made a few phone calls. It doesn't matter in any tangible (read: financial) difference who got it 30 seconds before the other guy.
And even if it did, I'm sure some message board scooped 'em all.
I never planned to start a blog with a baseball-themed title, given that -- technically speaking -- I hate baseball.
Small-market teams have no prayer of winning the World Series, the league did the whole "see no evil, hear no evil" bit while half of its players were juicing themselves into Incredible Hulkdom, Bud Selig is bathed in the stench of incompetence, watching a game on TV involves the perilous risk of hearing Joe Buck or Tim McCarver, and oh yeah, the game is really, really boring unless you happen to be sitting in the stands on a sunny day, drinking a beer the size of Sean Hannity's noggin.
But I digress.
My initial plan was to make a cheesy pun about the color blue, since I am a diehard Tar Heels fan and a proud Democrat. But I couldn't come up with a good title that wasn't already taken. Most egregiously, whoever signed up for carolinablue.blogspot.com made two posts in 2003, then threw his hands in the air and waved 'em like he just doesn't care.
trueblue.blogspot.com? Taken.
youremyboyblue.blogspot.com? Gone.
littleboyblueheneededthemoney.blogspot.com? I didn't actually check that one, but Andrew Dice Clay probably still has a fan out there (somewhere ... hopefully far, far away) who snared it.
(By the way, unbeknownst to me until about 30 seconds ago, the Diceman is attempting a comeback. His goal: To play to a sold-out Giants Stadium. How's that working out, you ask? According to the "Upcoming Gigs" section of his website, he has a two-night-stand coming up at the Andiamo Celebrity Room in Warren, Mich. -- so it's safe to say Lawrence Taylor will play in Giants Stadium again before Dice does.)
I ultimately went with Deep Left Field, mostly because it's the first marginally-catchy name that was actually available. It also happens to make sense, considering that most of my blog entries will be about sports or politics (with a generally progressive point of view, whatever the hell that means).
So, sit back, pour yourself a refreshing beverage the size of your favorite right-wing blowhard's cranium, and enjoy what promises to be a sporadically-updated, often-incoherent series of my nonsensical ramblings.
Beseiged by negative publicity in the wake of Monday night's three-hour tribute to Chris Benoit, who strangled his wife and suffocated his 7-year-old son before hanging himself, World Wrestling Entertainment has hired former White House spokesman Scott McClellan to perform damage control. 
