Larry Flynt just jumped out of his wheelchair and started dancing

The Rev. (sic) Jerry Falwell has died -- perhaps the first thing he's ever done that indicates the existence of a truly benevolent God.

Surprisingly, the corpulent televangelist's long-overdue death at 73 was not the work of "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, (and the) People For the American Way," each of whom he blamed for the Sept. 11 attacks.

(Subsequent reports have indicated that the attacks were planned by Osama bin Laden, although the Bush administration's adamant refusal to capture or kill the Al Qaeda leader over the past five and a half years lends credence to Falwell's belief that someone else -- possibly a feminazi, a homo, a lesbo or some Phish-loving, tree-hugging, patchouli-scented, bleeding heart hippie -- may in fact have been responsible.)

Satan immediately expressed his sadness over the death of Falwell, whom who credited as one of his most effective agents.

"Falwell's bit about how 'AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals' was nothing short of magnificent," said the Devil. "In a matter of seconds, he motivated thousands upon thousands of people to reject Christianity -- and he made it look so easy.

"You know, I was sitting around just last week with Ronald Reagan and Lee Atwater, and Ronnie was referring to Jerry as 'The Franchise,' which is so true. I can't tell you how important he was to Team Satan. He's a first-ballot Hell Hall of Famer, no question."

However, Lucifer reiterated his dismay over the televangelist's 1999 statement that the Antichrist is walking among us as a Jewish man.

"Complete bullshit," said the Prince of Darkness. "Dick Cheney is not a Jew."

Tinky Winky of Teletubbies fame also shared his condolences through his spokesman.

"Although the Rev. Falwell's slanderous allegations regarding my lifestyle were hurtful, I harbor no ill will toward him and am greatly saddened by his passing," said the children's television star. "I think we should all take this time for solemn reflection, which in my case means a marathon session of anal sex while singing show tunes in a San Francisco bath house. I hope to return to my work of corrupting America's youth in the near future, but it's just too soon to think about that right now."